There is one basic rule in grooming cats: 

You either can/will or you can't/won't.  The cat will make this decision for you. There is no "sort of" in cat grooming.  When taking on the grooming of a cat, the groomer must enter into the contract with a clear and effective exit strategy in place.  An angry cat in a grooming van is a formidable and highly lethal force of nature.

As such, here are the things the cat's personal assistant (commonly referred to as "owner" in the K-9 world) must consider when calling the groomer:

Have you tried to groom your own cat in the past and found it a negative experience?

Have you determined that your cat's nails can only be clipped when he or she is out cold at the vet's?

Does your cat have fifteen to twenty places on its body you are not allowed to touch?

Do your cat's eyes glow red when you approach it with a hairbrush?

Is your cat generally laid back, easy-going and tolerant of human foolishness? (If so, you may in fact be inadvertently harboring a dog that looks like a cat.)

Grooming Cats

A basic cat groom includes the following assuming the cat is a dog in disguise (see above):

  • Nails clipped
  • Ears wiped clean
  • Brush/de-shed
  • Warm, conditioning bath, if needed
  • Warm/gentle blow dry (if possible)
  • Sparkly bandana! (For you. Your cat will refuse to wear it.)

As with dogs, pricing for cats has numerous variables (see above).  In general, feline grooming begins at $75, but may be more or less, which will be determined after an on-site evaluation.  

Cats who absolutely refuse to be groomed:

The minimum charge is $50,000. Cash. (Comes with Dirty Hairy's "No Money Back" guarantee.)

Re de-shedding brushout:  While a thorough brushing is very good for your cat's skin and fur health, the personal assistant should keep in mind that a shedless cat at lunchtime will probably be a shedding cat by dinnertime. This is simply a fact of life.  In any event, brushing is part of the groom, and doesn't cost extra.

The same principle applies to claws: nicely blunted nails at high noon will be lethal weapons by midnight..
Have you ever woken up to find your cat staring intensely into your face? Cats do this when they are communicating with their home planet.  

"...I am receiving your beacon, Zabdoof, the earthling is in its sleep cycle.  I await your instructions...
 Lemon Rogers
Mott Boehm-Rogers - "El Guapo" - magnificently  handsome and elegant, with eyes as green as emeralds. The creature lying on the floor under the table was Chowder Boehm.  She never missed an opportunity to try and kill him. Not only was Mott perfectly beautiful, and highly lovable, he was also an unbelievable nerd and momma's boy .
This really is the best technique in cat grooming. When your cat is groomed in  this manner you will both enjoy it very much. And don't worry - any hairballs that get stuck in your throat will eventually work their way out of your system.
This fee may be waived entirely if personal assistant agrees to cover all of groomer's emergency room costs, as well as hospital costs during and after face transplant.
So lemme ask you somethin'. Would you maybe consider a mobile groomer?
Matted cat strip / lion cut: average fee is $75
(includes all services
 below as applicable)

My gorgeous new kittens, Twyla & Magda, feral-born sisters, twelve weeks old Labor Day, 2008.
Beautiful Lemon again. With Mr. Lobster.
A Critical Note

Cats can sense when any groomer is within a ten mile vicinity of their home, and when they do they have the power to make themselves invisible to the human eye.  Please have your cat/s safely contained about 15 minutes before the appointment time.  

Dirty Hairy has arrived at many cat bookings only to discover that the cat disappeared about a half hour before.  Ultimately, this means that the groomer and the cat's personal assistant spend 20 minutes on a fruitless quest to find the cat, and then Hairy leaves, unable to render service, and unpaid.  A disappointment for everyone.  Except the cat.

Thank you!
Proof of current rabies vax must be presented prior to beginning of groom!
February 2010:  Sadly, Twyla did not survive the serious health issues she was born with and died in October of 2009. We did not delay in looking for another sibling for Magda, who was exibiting every sign of deep depression and withdrawal after the loss of her sister.

Meet Luther, a blue point Russian type of little guy whom  we rescued from the pound.  As you can see, Luther's big sister just adores him, and he her.
Copyright 2010 Dirty Hairy Mobile Pet Grooming: Cat Grooming. All Rights Reserved.
The Lion Cut: Befur & After:  The visual difference is clear.  More importantly, without exception owners (personal assistants) report their cats show signs of relief and comfort immediately after the dematting.  They purr, rub and desire physical contact almost instantly and are clearly grateful to be released from the bondage and filth of constrictive, painful mats.  They also look very cute.
Why are the feet, head and end of tail unclipped?  

If the fur on a cat's appendages and head are shaved off the animal loses its sense of orientation and balance.  It will run around like a chicken with its head cut off.   Not desirable.
The Perfect Cat Groomer